Obekitty

My neighborhood is filled with, let's say, interesting characters. However, I must say that the people living near me are the least of them. In my little corner of suburbia, the fauna have really taken on personalities of excellence.

There is one, however, that really takes the cake. Well, at least it looks like it ate a few cakes on its own. Ever since the day we moved into this house, this behemoth of a cat comes sauntering up to our back door and shamelessly demands a meal.

The gourmand, whom we have colorfully named Fae Mao, (Translation: Fat Cat) has made a friend in my stepmother, who acquiesces and indulges Fat Cat with a helping of kibble. Well, if you give a moose a muffin... (Fantastic book btw. Although, who would actually give a moose a muffin? Who would say to themselves, 'Hey, this moose looks hungry, let me find something from it's natural diet that it can eat. Here's a muffin.' Well, I guess if they're talking to themselves then there's already something wrong with them. That's why they've been banished to Canada or Alaska or wherever moose actually live.) Where was I? Ah... Fat Cat, yes. He has made our house sort of his second home, although I can't exactly blame him. The home we suspect he comes from is filled with loud, hyper children. I'd want to leave too.

Now our days are filled with the melodious mews of a cat whom I've only ever seen perform 3 actvities:

-lounge

Girl look at that body.

-beg for food

I can see into your soul. That's how I know you have food.

 -and sleep

You can't handle all dis.

I've only ever seen it do one physical exercise. And that's just jumping over the fence. Although, for this leviathan, that's a lot of inertia to move. I wish I had a decent enough camera to show you this event in slow motion. The way the cat shoots up a fraction of a second before its fat catches up is both mesmerizing and nauseating. It brings to mind the movie Flubber and all its bouncy, gelatinous imagery.

Normally, this cat would be more than welcome to lounge around our house and even partake in our cat's food. As she doesn't really eat all that much.

(Suzy) I'm a dainty, delicate flower.

However, this obese interloper has made it a habit, that upon being let inside the house, while no one is looking, to piss all over everything. One day, I was in my room while the back door was left open. I got up to go get a snack and saw Fat Cat sitting in our living room, near the back door. I begin walking towards him and begin to say, "Hey, you're not supp-." It becomes difficult to continue a sentence when you get completely sucker punched by the wafting aroma of cat urine. Sure, cat pee normally smells bad, but this cat has some sort of chemical munitions plant in its bowels. No doubt constructed there by the late Saddam Hussein, as a way to destroy the fabric of society in the US long after he died. Knowing the damage was done, he promptly fled the room and no doubt went off in search of further snacks.

I had no choice. I unscrewed the top of a febreeze bottle and began to pour.

Feudal Japan Feud

I was playing Shogun 2 today. I picked the Shimazu clan as I am quite fond of their s-words. I'm sitting there, enjoying my tea when I decided that it was time to go to war with the clan who was systematically executing my neighbors. Rather than underhandedly shouting 'SUPRISE' and attacking them in their rear while they weren't looking, (heehee gross) I do the honorable thing and just declare war.

I take another sip of my tea and in my best English voice say, 'Good show, your move old boy.'
I then proceed to get utterly trounced by a massive army that I'm certain the game just spawned to piss me off. It's horrible to watch as my tiny little men made of 1s and 0s are cut down. Their families now forced to celebrate their honorable deaths as the little binary children now have to grow up without fathers. And I'm responsible! The guilt is overwhelming! I don't know what to do... No longer will they draw digital breath. They won't laugh or cry or... well I don't know if they ever did any of those things. But now it's certain they won't!

I know you're starting to judge me as crazy. 'Tim, they're not real.' you'll tell me.

How dare you? Seriously, how dare you? They just gave up their lives for my cause.

'They never had lives.'

Oh, just because you're made of digital bits, suddenly you're not "alive."

'Yes.'

You're a monster. I don't know how you can... The game just crashed... How cruel of my computer... It wants to put me through that battle again. It wants me to watch them die over and over. It's teaching me the lesson 'Don't fuck with me. I wont just end you, I'll make your life so miserable you'll do it yourself!'

You cruel sonofabitch. I won't give you the satisfaction. FULL RETREAT. Abandon the province and unite all my forces to crush it under a wave of swords.

No mercy.

No remorse.

No blade held.

Damn, out of tea.

Family Tethers

I am trapped in my room and I'm certain that if I step foot outside, I will be seen and die. OH GOD I HEAR THEM NOW! They'll be quiet for a few minutes to a few hours when suddenly a burst of a language I don't comprehend will permeate the house.

Perhaps I should clarify before someone calls the police while desperately trying to find some kind of address on my blog that will indicate where I currently reside. I will save you the time.
It's not on here.
There.
You're welcome.
Ok!
Clarification time!

My stepmother (who happens to be Chinese) currently has family staying over at the house. While I'm sure that they're perfectly nice people, I'm also sure that any exodus from my sanctuary will result in my swift and untimely demise. They won't even have to do anything.
It'll go something like this:
*step*
*INSTANTDEATHWITHBLOODCOMINGOUTALLORIFICIESTHATSRIGHTALLORIFICES*

So you can understand my reluctance.

...and yes, the all caps was entirely necessary. It adds to the alacrity that the Grim Reaper had when plunging his or her (I'm completely pc on this blog I swear. [haha. That's a lie] Shut up conscience!) scythe of lifelessness through my torso.

...i hear them again...

It's not the occasional bouts of tourettes-like Cantonese that bothers me. It's that there are little children involved. I can be fine with children so long as there is some sort of monetary compensation. I was a camp counselor for two summers. -More on that later-.--Not later this blog post, but maybe a blog post in the future--. ---Sorry, I went off on a tangent. Would that then make this a cotangent---? You can expect this high level of humor throughout my blog. If you would like more of this humor you can send me $35. Or you can just keep reading.

Children break all sense of the decorum of civilized society. I'm half-English. That's all I have! Children will go right up to your face and cough on you. They won't even know they did anything wrong. Then they act all confused when I have to go to the bathroom and scrub my face with lye.

All I can hope for now is that they go to bed soon...

huh?

You want more?

Oh! You thought there were going to be more funny moments. Um, I guess I did kinda promise that. Hmm...

Ok! Here's one: *ahem* What do you get when you cross a hippo an elephant and a rhino?

Helliphino!

haha. Damn I am funny.

If you see another post, you'll know that Death has stayed his OR HER murderblade for the time being. If not, I will haunt the internets for the rest of time.