Obekitty

My neighborhood is filled with, let's say, interesting characters. However, I must say that the people living near me are the least of them. In my little corner of suburbia, the fauna have really taken on personalities of excellence.

There is one, however, that really takes the cake. Well, at least it looks like it ate a few cakes on its own. Ever since the day we moved into this house, this behemoth of a cat comes sauntering up to our back door and shamelessly demands a meal.

The gourmand, whom we have colorfully named Fae Mao, (Translation: Fat Cat) has made a friend in my stepmother, who acquiesces and indulges Fat Cat with a helping of kibble. Well, if you give a moose a muffin... (Fantastic book btw. Although, who would actually give a moose a muffin? Who would say to themselves, 'Hey, this moose looks hungry, let me find something from it's natural diet that it can eat. Here's a muffin.' Well, I guess if they're talking to themselves then there's already something wrong with them. That's why they've been banished to Canada or Alaska or wherever moose actually live.) Where was I? Ah... Fat Cat, yes. He has made our house sort of his second home, although I can't exactly blame him. The home we suspect he comes from is filled with loud, hyper children. I'd want to leave too.

Now our days are filled with the melodious mews of a cat whom I've only ever seen perform 3 actvities:

-lounge

Girl look at that body.

-beg for food

I can see into your soul. That's how I know you have food.

 -and sleep

You can't handle all dis.

I've only ever seen it do one physical exercise. And that's just jumping over the fence. Although, for this leviathan, that's a lot of inertia to move. I wish I had a decent enough camera to show you this event in slow motion. The way the cat shoots up a fraction of a second before its fat catches up is both mesmerizing and nauseating. It brings to mind the movie Flubber and all its bouncy, gelatinous imagery.

Normally, this cat would be more than welcome to lounge around our house and even partake in our cat's food. As she doesn't really eat all that much.

(Suzy) I'm a dainty, delicate flower.

However, this obese interloper has made it a habit, that upon being let inside the house, while no one is looking, to piss all over everything. One day, I was in my room while the back door was left open. I got up to go get a snack and saw Fat Cat sitting in our living room, near the back door. I begin walking towards him and begin to say, "Hey, you're not supp-." It becomes difficult to continue a sentence when you get completely sucker punched by the wafting aroma of cat urine. Sure, cat pee normally smells bad, but this cat has some sort of chemical munitions plant in its bowels. No doubt constructed there by the late Saddam Hussein, as a way to destroy the fabric of society in the US long after he died. Knowing the damage was done, he promptly fled the room and no doubt went off in search of further snacks.

I had no choice. I unscrewed the top of a febreeze bottle and began to pour.